Cloudy Mirror

Being rejected is no fun. The feelings of inadequacy, shame, and disappointment that are brought about by rejection are difficult to bear and often send us running away with our tails between our legs. It’s hard to bounce back from being told that we’re “not good enough” and sometimes that there’s no way we’ll ever be good enough. No one wants to be rejected, so it’s only natural that we do our best to not let it happen to us.

The problem is that opportunities for rejection are everywhere: trying out for sports teams, applying for jobs, applying for college, and these days kids can be rejected from exclusive nursery schools before they reach their toddler years. Romantic rejection or social rejection (being outcast by peers) can sometimes be even more emotionally devastating. It’s no wonder we’re scared.

These days, I wonder if our fear of rejection is even more extreme than in the past because of its prominence in reality television. With shows like American Idol, it’s actually become fun to watch people be told that they aren’t good enough. Viewers often watch the earliest rounds of the competition to see just how Simon Cowell, the judge generally regarded to be the most cruel, will put contestants down. Shows like Survivor and The Bachelor actually have formalized ceremonies where rejection takes place. Producers try to build suspense and emotion with each rejection with dramatic music and creative camera work to show the conflict, anxiety, and fear in the contestants’ eyes. Often the rejecters are asked to talk about why a certain person is being eliminated which often adds an additional sting to an already emotional and hurtful situation. It isn’t uncommon to see reality contestants cry, yell obscenities or become enraged after being eliminated from competition and viewers are entertained when they see these reactions. In a way, reality television has magnified our fear of rejection and has actually glorified the act of rejecting people. Continue Reading »

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I was trying to think of a good example of how we feel pressure to conform to what other people expect of us. I wanted to write about a situation to which most people can easily relate. Then, one day it came to me: the job interview.

Think about it. From the moment we see or hear about a job opening that interests us, we begin to think about how to convince the powers-that-be that we’re the perfect fit for the position. Sometimes we obsess over what the employer wants from us so much that we forget about what we want from a job. We fill our resumes with buzz-words that we think will catch their attention. We do research on what resume format is the most effective in highlighting our qualifications for the prospective employer. We carefully compose our cover letters to glorify our skills and to show how our experience makes us the best candidate for their job.

What about if we’re lucky enough to get called for an interview? Well, then it’s time to choose just the right outfit! A nice sensible suit would probably be the right choice. We don’t want to dress too casually and have them think that we’re not serious about making a good impression. Unless, of course, we know that the company is pretty laid-back. You know, the kind where people run around in jeans and sneakers? If we wear a suit to interview at that kind of company, will they think we’re too serious or snooty to work with them? What should I wear to show them that I am the right choice for the job? (OK, so maybe women think about this more than men…)

Then we get to the actual interview and it’s time for the questions. We’ve become programmed by job search sites and career advisers to answer the questions the way we think the employer wants us to answer them. What carefully-worded-answers will better our chances of getting the job? In some cases, answering questions honestly could jeopardize our chances. For instance, what do we do if we’re convinced that we really want a job and the interviewer asks “How do you feel about working overtime in the evenings and on weekends?”? We know that we’re supposed to answer something like “I am incredibly dedicated to the goals of this company and I would be happy to work as much and as hard as necessary to reach those goals.” when maybe our honest answer would be “Actually, I’d really like to keep evenings and weekends free to relax, re energize and spend time with my family/friends/dog/hobbies.” Noooo! If we don’t surrender our free time to them, then we’re not seen as team-players. Yes, there are some companies where we’d be happy to work overtime, but why do we feel pressure to say we would even when we wouldn’t? Continue Reading »

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Until relatively recently, I spent most of my effort in life working hard to accomplish the prosperity and happiness promised by the “American Dream“. Amazingly, I was one of the ones who actually managed to find a decent level of prosperity. The thing is, though, that even when I had reached that point, the happiness still eluded me.

For a long time, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy because my life had turned out exactly as I had planned, exactly as it was supposed to turn out. I had done everything according to the timeline that I had developed for myself and ended up with exactly what I thought I needed to be happy: the family, the house, the respectable career, the cars, the material objects and enough of an income to live as comfortably as I wanted. It was the perfect picture. I had everything and yet I still felt that I was missing so much. What had I done wrong?

Recently, I came to the realization that, at least for me, it was my goals that were faulty and not what I did to reach them. I thought about why it was that I thought that this “perfect picture” would bring me happiness and I now see that it was because that’s what we’re all taught to believe. We watch people on TV and in the movies, and more often than not, it’s the ones with the money and material objects that are the happiest. We see the gorgeous people with the big houses, fancy cars and great lives and we think that if we only had those things, we’d be happy too. If we could get the perfect good-looking partner along with the genius kids, the dog and the house with picket fence, what more could we want? These are the ideas and pictures we’re surrounded by every day and it’s no wonder that many of us end up falling for it hook, line and sinker. Continue Reading »

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