The Power of Affection
Mon July 21st 2008
Affection is like a drug. We crave it. We actively seek it out. Sometimes, once we’ve had a taste, we might do almost anything to get just a little bit more. It can give us an emotional high to which we desperately cling because the mere thought of being without it is so painfully dreadful. The addictive quality of affection has the power to change our behavior and our personalities to the point that we are no longer acting as our true selves.
It’s completely natural to want affection from our family and from romantic partners. To feel loved can be an exhilarating feeling and it can provide us with a sense of comfort in our lives. To be denied affection from those we care about can be devastating. Especially if we have been without affection for a period of time, a simple hug, caress or a few kind words can be enough to set our hearts aflutter and ignite our desire for more.
The scary thing is that, especially in romantic situations, it’s entirely possible to love the attention and affection that someone gives us, without really loving the person who is giving it to us. Now, in the earliest stages of a romantic relationship, it isn’t always easy to distinguish what we’re really attached to in the other person. At that point, it’s usually such a whirlwind of emotions and we’re often so giddy and happy that we don’t really care to analyze why we’re into this other person. We may even ignore things about the other person that might really bother us if we were thinking more clearly. Just the fact that the interest seems mutual and that we’re getting affection is often enough to keep us flying emotionally high… for a while, at least.
At some point, the tediousness of constantly acting as someone other than our true selves can wear us down, though we may never recognize that as being the real problem. We just start to recognize that what used to make us happy in a relationship just doesn’t seem to be enough anymore.
In a romantic situation, we may think that the novelty of the new relationship has simply worn off. We might not realize that, in casting aside bothersome qualities about the other person, we have been denying ourselves of the qualities that we really want in a romantic partner. For instance, if our partner is constantly pointing out things that are wrong with us, or things that we should improve about ourselves, we may be inclined think of it as “constructive criticism”. Instead of admitting to ourselves that this other person might have unreasonable expectations of us, we choose to ignore that he/she is doing anything other than trying to help us… because if we don’t ignore it, we might have to come down off of this happy cloud that we’re on and we may have to give up that affection and that “pretty picture” to which we’ve become so attached. It’s might also be equally or more disheartening to think about the fact that the other person may be guilty of ignoring characteristics in us too, because they desire to keep affection that we give as well.
And just think about all of the things that a person will do to win or keep the affection of their parents. He or she might follow a certain career path or marry a certain kind of person even if the job or spouse is not something he or she truly wants for themselves. The threat of losing the approval and affection of a parent is scary and can be reason enough to ignore our own true desires.
In any relationship where we have been inclined to change our behavior, we may come to a point where we wonder “Why can’t they just love me for who I really am?”. Part of the answer may be that we’ve never been strong enough to show who we really are. We’ve catered to the other person’s wants, needs and preferences for so long that, at least outwardly, we’ve shown that we’re completely ok with the way things have gone so far. If we haven’t voiced any complaints yet, any new complaints will seem strange and out of character for us. We may have even gotten to the point where we don’t even know what we really want anymore, because we’ve spent so much time trying to be who others want us to be. We’ve been so scared of losing the love, affection or closeness that we’ve gained by changing ourselves that we’ve lost our true selves in the process.
So how do we break free from all of this? I think part of it comes with time and with experience, or whatever it takes to make us aware of what we are really doing. Eventually we might find ourselves unhappy in a relationship and we will seek answers as to why that is the case. Or maybe we’ll hear a story of someone else’s realization of losing, and then finding, their true selves and that will eventually uncloud our vision. Once we become aware of our tendencies to ignore problems and to ignore what we truly want in a relationship, we are more likely to recognize when we are about to change ourselves for the sake of someone else. Hopefully, with that awareness, we will be able to avoid entering into the same cycle of behavior with every new relationship, and instead to evolve into people who are more aware of themselves. When that is the case, we are more likely to enter into healthier relationships and to become happier people in general. It takes time and probably a bit of heartache, but if we manage to learn from our experiences and make an effort to make better decisions in the future, that should be considered to be great progress.
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